Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
