I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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