In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
