whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
