Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
