Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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