I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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