it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
