I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
