my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
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