dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize