that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Randomize
