am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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