Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
