dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
