I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
