Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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