this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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