he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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