I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
