life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
