i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
