Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
