sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
