She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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