hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
