You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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