She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize