While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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