My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
