Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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