I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
