I just threw up on my dentist
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Randomize
