It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
