moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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