I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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