It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
