I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
