saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
