I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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