Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
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