I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
