i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
