I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
