Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
