I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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