I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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