apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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