You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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