i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
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