Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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