I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
