My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
