im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
