Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Do you have feelings for this penis?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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