So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize