Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
