Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
