are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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