when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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