I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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