I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
